Time for Tea
by nikki-of-stormhold
Summary: A group or our favourite vampires head into a diner for lunch. Whoever thought ordering food could be so difficult..... This is a silly one shot, anattempt at comedy.


**Time for Tea**

**This is a really silly one shot. It's an attempt at comedy. I don't own any of the characters here except the diner staff, but I sure would like to take them all out to lunch.**

On entering the town the large group of vampires were so tired that they did not even notice its name. Passing the large 'Welcome' sign, they took a moment to survey their new surroundings. It was very different to what they were used to- Vampire Mountain was miles away now. They had been walking for weeks, so the small, quiet town was a welcome find even for vampires. It was dusk, so the threat of the sun was behind them for a while. They slumped against a wall, each one of them looking around the empty street.

"Is this town real? It looks like its made of lego," said Vancha March, a vacant grin crossing his face.

Mr Crepsley nodded.

"I know what you mean. It does appear…. Strange."

"Well I don't care. I'm sick to death of eating raw dead stuff, I want food."

Darren Shan, the youngest of the group stepped forwards and pointed at a diner. It was true, they had been eating whatever they could catch, and had rarely bothered to cook it. The prospect of eating cooked and properly prepared food was heaven.

"Darren, we are vampires. We do not indulge in……."

"Shut up Crepsley, I'm starved." Arra Sails followed Darren towards the diner, followed by most of the group. Only Kurda Smahlt remained behind with Mr Crepsley.

"You know Larten, this would not be a crime. We have not eaten properly for some time."

Mr Crepsley sighed and nodded. Even he was not about to argue, and nice smells were coming form the diner. The two of them followed their friends into the small restaurant. Inside, the diner was dimly lit and cosy. There was some music playing softly in the background, and hardly anyone was there- only a round table in the far corner had anyone seated at it. A group of about eight sat there laughing loudly, completely oblivious to the vampires.

"Let's sit here, this table is big enough for all of us." Kurda gestured towards a long rectangular table not far from the bar.

"Anyone else notice the lack of people in this town?" Gavner said, sitting next to him. There was a low murmur as several vampires nodded in agreement. Once everyone was seated they picked up the menus. Still no one else had appeared, so they decided what to order ready for when a waiter would arrive.

"Oh my, its been ages since I ate at a venue like this." Seba Nile had not left Vampire Mountain in a few hundred years, and he especially was quite excited. Mr Crepsey frowned and squinted at his menu.

"I fear I do not know what some of this means. Darren, you will have to translate. What is a hot dog?"

Darren burst out laughing along with Arra.

"Oh Larten, even you should know that!" she giggled.

"I vote we let hi order it and find out," said Mika, looking at his own menu.

Darren sighed and nodded.

"Well what animal is it derived from?" Mr Crepsley snapped.

"Er, mostly pig. You'll like it I swear." Darren shot out of his seat as he spotted a waitress about to serve the other group in the restaurant.

"Excuse me miss?"

She turned lazily and frowned.

"What?"

"Er, we're ready to order if that's ok."

The girl cursed and stomped over to the vampires, snatching a notepad from the bar.

"What, are you guys goin to a fancy dress or something?" she said, staring at Harkat, Vancha and the various coloured cloaks of the vampires.

They just nodded dumbly.

"What do you want then? I haven't got all day."

Darren cleared his throat.

"Er, I'll go first and we can go around the table. I'll have cheeseburger and fries, with coke. Please."

The waitress scowled and scribbled something on her notepad. Arra and Kurda ordered vegetarian pasta, and Mika chose salad and baked potato with baked beans. The waitress looked at Harkat , not seeming too bothered about his strange appearance.

"What about the little guy?" she asked as Harkat mused over his menu.

"I do not care…..I have no……taste buds." Harkat folded his menu and laid it down on the table.

"He's joking bless him, he's had a lot of sweeties today haven't you darling?" Vancha said, rubbing Harkat's back like he was a child.

"He'll have fish fingers and chips, and so will I, please." The rest of the group attempted to stifle their laughter as Vancha then picked up a napkin and wiped Harkat's nose with it. His nose was not actually visible, but the waitress seemed too bored to notice.

"Gavner, can you tell me what this says please?" Seba held his menu at length and squinted.

"Of course grandfather. It says vegetable soup with a fresh bread roll." Gavner ignored the now laughing band of vampires around him and patted Seba's hand.

"You forgot your glasses again, didn't you?"

"Tell me miss, does this soup of yours have any bat broth?" Seba asked in a fragile voice.

The waitress looked mildly annoyed and confused.

"Grandpa, I keep telling you. Bats are not for eating." Gavner shook his head. "Sorry miss, my grandfather is senile."

She nodded warily and scribbled on her pad. Gavner matched his 'grandpa's' order and looked to Mr Crepsley.

"I will try this 'hot dog' thing, with a…..what is 'spotted dick' if you please?"

The waitress grinned.

"Yeah, I hear that one all the time pal." She blew a bubble with some very pink gum and strode away moodily. Every one of the vampires had now given in to the laughter and were shrieking.

"Hey 'pal,' you want some salt?" Mika picked up the salt bottle and shook it all over Mr Crepsley, who looked shell shocked.

"Argh, my eyes! My nose! My….." he was cut off as he sneezed violently, sending the cutlery in front of him flying. The vampires only laughed harder, not noticing where it flew to. Unfortunately, it flew to somewhere very bad. There was a loud yelp from the other table and the diner fell silent. All eyes were averted to the second table, where a grey haired man turned and stood up. The vampires gasped.

"Steve Leonard!" Darren shouted.

"Darren Shan!" yelled the grey haired man.

"Johnny Depp!" Vancha yelled. "Oh sorry, I thought I saw him walk past."

"WHAT! We have been seated in the same building for over ten minutes and I have not killed him yet!" Mr Crepsley shot to his feet and made for Steve's table. Mika and Kurda caught him and held him back.

"Mr C! You threw a knife at him didn't you?" Darren tried to regain order.

"IT WAS A FISH KNIFE, AND IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

Kurda and Mika struggled to hold the orange haired vampire back as Steve rubbed the back of his head.

"A fish knife it may have been but it still hurt."

The waitress reappeared around the bar and saw the commotion, a tray in her hand.

"HEY!" She slammed the tray down in front of Harkat and ran over to Steve.

"Oh, you poor sausage! What happened to you?" she cooed over him. Steve grinned behind her back, and whimpered.

"He threw a knife at me and it cut me! Look!" he showed her his bloodied hand.

"Oh sausage! Baby!" the waitress hugged Steve like he was a baby and tutted.

"I'LL GIVE YOU SAUSAGE!" Mr Crepsley picked up his hot dog from the tray on front of Harkat, disregarded the bread roll and threw the sausage at the waitress. She screamed and turned menacingly. The group that had been sitting with Steve stood up and cracked their knuckles.

There was going to be a very, very violent food fight.

**A bit pointless I know but I said it was silly. Please review……………….. **


End file.
